Hogan Sheffer’s secretary: Good news, Mr. Sheffer, you’re going to get to do the DiMera story after all! We’re getting Joe, Thaao, Renee, and maybe even Leann Hunley back starting in June!
Hogan: (leaping to his feet) Yes! This is what I’ve been waiting for! I’ve got a lot of it worked out. Get this down: Stefano’s failing health will lead to Tony and EJ jockeying for power. Tony will be torn between being the evil man he’s become and his old life, represented by his love for Anna. Oh, and make Sami’s baby twins. We’ll have a DiMera baby for storyline and a Lumi baby to placate the Lumi fans. Kenny’s big on placating.
Secretary: (writing busily) Are you going to explain the origins of the feud?
Hogan: Oh, yes, don’t worry about that. We’re going to do flashbacks, a mystery from the past the Brady’s have to solve. A tragic love affair … a mysterious death.
Secretary: This is great, sir. I know the writing staff will be happy with this. All right, so what kind of storylines are we looking at for the teen set?
Hogan: Ali and James in double roles! Steve as a double agent!
Secretary: Um, the teen set?
Hogan: (sighs) Okay, let me think. How about a shuttle service to Vegas?
Hogan: Yeah, get a couple of hot young guys to be pilots, and Steph and Abby can be stewardesses. Throw Max in there too.
Secretary: Ashley Benson left the show, sir.
Hogan: Chelsea, then! Who cares? Set all their business meetings at the beach! The kids will love it.
Secretary: Er, do you think it’s a good idea to center a story around two new characters viewers know nothing about?
Hogan: Then make one a Horton and one a Brady! No, we’ve got too many Bradys anyway. A Carver! Watch a few episodes of Laguna Beach. The dialogue will write itself. Put Steph with the Horton and Chelsea with the Carver.
Secretary: Chelsea’s with Nick, remember?
Hogan: Oh, yeah. Well, it will be great drama for them. Nick can be all insecure about the hot pilot guy.
Secretary: Well, actually, sir, Chelsea and Nick have quite a bit of drama to deal with already. Remember the—
Hogan: Don’t bother me right now. (chuckles) I’ve got to put in a scene with Tony riding into the mansion on a horse! A horse! I crack myself up!
Hogan: What’s this Touch the Sky crap?
Secretary: I’m sorry, sir, the writers have been complaining to me about that. They tried to do what you said, but they’ve been having trouble making sense of it.
Hogan: Well, they’re doing it all wrong! Jeremy is the key here, don’t you see? He’s the catalyst for it all. They’re writing him as a fratboy ass. He needs to be charming and able to put on a good act for parents or investors, but deep down he’s got to be a real criminal. You could even throw in a DiMera connection. This side business in designer clothes? That’s stupid. It’s got to be something mysterious, something really bad. Tease the viewers a bit, maybe throw in a mysterious lady that Max could get involved with. And Steph has to be drawn to Jeremy because she wants to have a love story like her parents.
Secretary: (writing busily) That is better, sir. Thank you, the writers will love this. Okay, now where are we going with the DiMera story?
Hogan: Maybe we can even get a Vegas set, that would be fun! I’ll ask Kenny.
Secretary: Sir, the DiMera story?
Hogan: Uh, how about a few bombs? Bombs are fun. Ooh, maybe Nick could get knocked out by a bomb and head to Vegas and act crazy! How great would Blake be?
Secretary: What about Tony? We’ve got Leann, remember. We were going to do a conflicted story for him where he’s torn between his old love and his current lust for power.
Hogan: That’s too much trouble. Make evil Tony Andre instead. Then we can bring back old Tony from an island or something and put him with Anna. Tony and Anna fans will love it.
Secretary: What about Sami’s twins? How do you want to handle the reveal of their parentage?
Hogan: Oh, just make both babies Lucas’s. Lumi fans will love it!
Secretary: (sarcastically) Well, if we’re running the show for the fanbases now, what about EJami fans? Don’t they deserve a twin?
Hogan: We’ll just have Ali and James kiss a lot in the flashbacks. They’ll love it.
Secretary: What about the mystery of the feud? We’re going to explain that, right? Shouldn’t we be bringing in all the people whose lives were affected by the feud? Billie, maybe? What about EJ? Are we redeeming him? Does he love Sami or is it obsession? How does he feel about his cousin Andre and newfound brother Tony? The scriptwriters really like to know these things.
Hogan: Don’t bother me right now. I know, I’ll have Nick be the one to tell Lucas he’s the father. That will be a great redemptive moment for him. And Max will get beaten to a pulp in Vegas!
Hogan: You know, Phillip really deserves his own storyline. What if Steve and Kayla adopt a baby and it turns out to be Phillip’s baby? The Johnsons adopting a Kiriakis! Imagine the possibilities!
Secretary: Sir, can I talk to you about the DiMera story and the Touch the Sky story? The writers asked me to ask you.
Hogan: Don’t bother me right now.